That’s not my circle
April 24th, 2008
One of the most freeing moments of my life was when I learned to stay out of other people’s business. That moment freed me from the stress and worry of trying to keep everyone else safe, correct, or “on the right path.” Don’t get me wrong, there is a place and a time for that. The real trick is learning how to discern what is your responsibility and what is not, in other words, when are where are those proper times and places?
I like to use the analogy of circles. Each of us is given a circle of responsibility and influence. Everything in the circle is ours. Everything outside of that circle is not ours. The things inside of other people’s circles are their responsibility.
Sometimes responsibilities are shared, like my wife and I each have our children within the shared, overlapping portions of our individual circles.
Sometimes my circles contain other people’s circles. My children, especially as they are very young, are fully within my circle. As they get older, my job as a father is to help them learn how to manage the things in their circle well, giving them authority and power over their lives. At first, I control the decisions. Then, I allow them to make decisions within parameters I establish. Finally, we move to more and more freedom, ultimately allowing them to make decisions for themselves as they learn how to do so.
Sometimes circles exist only for specific areas of life. An employer’s circle of responsibility at work completely encompasses the circles of his employees, but only where work is concerned. The employer does, or should not have, any such authority over the employee at home.
Sometimes circles are unique. This blog is in my circle and no one else is responsible for it in any way (other than my web host keeping its uptime promise).
Problems appear when people overstep proper boundaries and begin trying to manage the things in other people’s circles. You are still within your circle when you state a preference or a belief. You are probably still within your circle when you advocate or promote an idea (depending on how you do it, obtrusively or respectfully). You are no longer within the boundaries of your circle when you demand that someone do things the way you want them done.
It goes the other way, too. I am fully within my circle when I delete spam comments from my blog, when I prevent them altogether, when I decide who may or may not post comments, and when I arbitrarily change the theme of my site. I am stepping outside of my circle when I demand that someone else do the same things on their site. I can comment, “I do this. Here is why. You might like it as well.” I may not say, “Anyone who administers their site differently is a moron,” and I certainly have no power or authority to demand that they change.
Actually, realizing that is quite freeing. Suddenly it is okay to allow people to make choices. I might comment occasionally, if I can do so politely and without stepping out of my circle and into someone else’s, but ultimately I must allow others to have control over their lives, to have the freedom to live as they would, if I am to expect the same consideration.
So, with that in mind, I won’t tell you how to raise your children, how to run your software project, how to administer your website, or what you should or shouldn’t believe. I might make a comment occasionally based on my personal preferences, but only when I can so do in a way that does not steal from you your freedom. I’ll stay out of your circle, you can rule it as you see fit. If you are working for me, I will limit my attempts to control or influence your actions only within proper the boundaries of the workplace and the job and our professional relationship. That is the path of respect.
In return, please feel free to tell me what you think, what you believe, and share ideas you have that I may not have considered. I want to hear them! Really. Then, let me make an informed decision, and let the decision be mine. Stay out of my circle.
Entry Filed under: General
6 Comments Add your own
1. Robert D. Martin | April 25th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I differ not with your comments about one’s own circle and about the respecting of others’ own circles. I thank you for that comment, which I found personally thought provoking.
Among acquaintances I have encountered the predisposition to exclude political discourse from their respective circles.
However, citizens of a democracy are collectively the sovereign of their countries. In fact, “The People” of each nation are collectively their own sovereign, or so “The Declaratoin of Independence” declares to be self-evident.
I have admittedly but chanced upon your site by way of seeking to download and eventually to test and then perhaps to upgrade to Ubuntu 8.04 LTS. But your kindly remarks did nevertheless inspire me to share with you the above as being also imho universally true.
Forgive me, please, should I thus overstep my bounds. I hoped you to be a kindred spirit in this matter. Tragically, I find that xome of my acquaintances prefer to exclude political discourse from even their most personal circle, rather than just from their workday or social gatherings, seeking to avoid contention. These such acquaintances of mine I have tried to as politely as possible convince that we, as members of our respective sovereigns but ill avoid discussing what be for the present and future generations preferable and what undesirable.
Surely, to leave such considerations to “the powers that be” or to “politicians” or “elected or other officials” might prove expedient now and again, but to relegate political discourse per se to their circles to the exclusion of one’s own, with or without excepting participating in elections, could deprive other fellow citizens of potentially unique perspectives and thus hnider the due course of positve societal progress, don’t you agree?.
2. matthew | April 25th, 2008 at 11:46 am
It is possible you misunderstood me a little bit. I am not advocating silence. On the contrary, I am a strong proponent of open discourse.
What I was attempting to say what that there are times in which we move from stating opinions or sharing perspectives into the realm of coercion. That is what I do not like.
I talk about politics all the time. So do my friends. Sometimes we even argue quite strongly with one another. I see that as a positive thing.
What I see as a negative is when someone advocates or promotes a position to the exclusion of allowing others to have and voice a different position. This is moving beyond the free exchange of ideas into the realm of silencing those who oppose you. That is tyranny.
Thanks for the comment!
3. maniacmusician | April 27th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I found it ironically hilarious that while advocating your circle philosophy, you’re definitively telling other people how to behave towards you and that they should stay out of your circle. It could somehow be perceived as you stepping into someone else’s circle, because you’re asking of them to stay out of yours.
I just found the somewhat paradoxical nature of that amusing; I do agree philosophically with the whole circle thing; there are definitely, in my opinion, things that we can hold ourselves responsible for and some things that we can’t. Good post, I enjoyed thinking about it a little, and thanks for taking the time to impart your thoughts on it. I can definitely tell when I’m reading the words of someone who identifies as a writer
4. matthew | April 27th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
mm - I can see the irony you mention and I agree that it is amusing.
I guess what I hoped to accomplish was to frame the conversation a bit, to try to establish some guidelines or boundaries for how to share diverse opinions and perspectives while retaining and showing respect, even to people that you disagree with. If I got you to think a moment, then I feel the piece was a success, even if it wasn’t perfect.
Oh, and thank you for the complement in that last line. My ego needed that today.
5. D L Langseth | May 7th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Seems I’m often told sarcastically that “I’m real open-minded” by someone who clearly has no interest at all in giving the slightest consideration to my way of thinking. Perhaps my benefit received from the conversation is a realization that they only diminish themselves with their hypocracy, and that I therefore should refrain from the same fate. I guess then their efforts were not wasted.
6. Jason Dragon | May 16th, 2008 at 7:27 am
I really like this concept. It is a good way to make life simple. The only major problem is the huge number of people who want to make your business their business. I am told by a government, what I can and can not do. I am forced to give them money and they use it to do things I totally disagree with. I am told that I must give my son certin shots even though the side effects are show to be worse than the thing it prevents. I am told by an HOA how my lawn should look.
I understand that some rules are there for the safety of all. If there were not rules and standards things would simply not work. But there are way to many places where organizations, ran by nosey people, overstep their bounds.
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