That’s not my circle
One of the most freeing moments of my life was when I learned to stay out of other people’s business. That moment freed me from the stress and worry of trying to keep everyone else safe, correct, or “on the right path.” Don’t get me wrong, there is a place and a time for that. The real trick is learning how to discern what is your responsibility and what is not, in other words, when are where are those proper times and places?
I like to use the analogy of circles. Each of us is given a circle of responsibility and influence. Everything in the circle is ours. Everything outside of that circle is not ours. The things inside of other people’s circles are their responsibility.
Sometimes responsibilities are shared, like my wife and I each have our children within the shared, overlapping portions of our individual circles.
Sometimes my circles contain other people’s circles. My children, especially as they are very young, are fully within my circle. As they get older, my job as a father is to help them learn how to manage the things in their circle well, giving them authority and power over their lives. At first, I control the decisions. Then, I allow them to make decisions within parameters I establish. Finally, we move to more and more freedom, ultimately allowing them to make decisions for themselves as they learn how to do so.
Sometimes circles exist only for specific areas of life. An employer’s circle of responsibility at work completely encompasses the circles of his employees, but only where work is concerned. The employer does, or should not have, any such authority over the employee at home.
Sometimes circles are unique. This blog is in my circle and no one else is responsible for it in any way (other than my web host keeping its uptime promise).
Problems appear when people overstep proper boundaries and begin trying to manage the things in other people’s circles. You are still within your circle when you state a preference or a belief. You are probably still within your circle when you advocate or promote an idea (depending on how you do it, obtrusively or respectfully). You are no longer within the boundaries of your circle when you demand that someone do things the way you want them done.
It goes the other way, too. I am fully within my circle when I delete spam comments from my blog, when I prevent them altogether, when I decide who may or may not post comments, and when I arbitrarily change the theme of my site. I am stepping outside of my circle when I demand that someone else do the same things on their site. I can comment, “I do this. Here is why. You might like it as well.” I may not say, “Anyone who administers their site differently is a moron,” and I certainly have no power or authority to demand that they change.
Actually, realizing that is quite freeing. Suddenly it is okay to allow people to make choices. I might comment occasionally, if I can do so politely and without stepping out of my circle and into someone else’s, but ultimately I must allow others to have control over their lives, to have the freedom to live as they would, if I am to expect the same consideration.
So, with that in mind, I won’t tell you how to raise your children, how to run your software project, how to administer your website, or what you should or shouldn’t believe. I might make a comment occasionally based on my personal preferences, but only when I can so do in a way that does not steal from you your freedom. I’ll stay out of your circle, you can rule it as you see fit. If you are working for me, I will limit my attempts to control or influence your actions only within proper the boundaries of the workplace and the job and our professional relationship. That is the path of respect.
In return, please feel free to tell me what you think, what you believe, and share ideas you have that I may not have considered. I want to hear them! Really. Then, let me make an informed decision, and let the decision be mine. Stay out of my circle.
6 comments April 24th, 2008
