Musician Jokes
March 4th, 2008
I haven’t been controversial enough recently, so I thought I would post a couple of musician jokes. I know there are other guitar/bass players in Ubuntuland. You should enjoy these. Feel free to post follow-ups, including guitar player slams in the comments (which have always been turned on for my blog). Yes, I know some of these are older than dirt. If any of them offend you, you are being too sensitive. Q: What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
Q: What’s the last thing a drummer says to his band members? A: “Hey guys I wrote a song!”
Q: What’s the difference between a trampoline and an accordion? A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How can you tell when there’s a lead singer knocking at your door? A: He doesn’t know when to come in.
Q: How many divas does it take to change a light bulb? A: One…she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four…one to do it and three to complain because it’s electric.
Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two…two…two
Q: Who plays with musicians? A: Drummers.
Q: How can you tell when the stage is level? A: The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth at once.
Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: A trombone player with a beeper.
Q: The quote you will never hear. A: There goes the trombone player in his new Porsche.
Q: A trombone player and a frog pass each other on the street. What is the difference between the two? A: The frog is probably on his way to a gig.
A musician dies and goes to Hell. He gets down there and, to his amazement, there is a wailing band just a-cookin’. He listens a while and then is asked to get up and jam. He does so and is having a blast. He is having the BEST time. After about three hours he begins to get a little tired and turns to the cat next to him and whispers, When do we take a break?
Another musician dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter says, So…you’re a musician. Well we’ve got a pretty good band up here ourselves. Let me show you. The musician is ushered to a place where a wailing band is playing. He is flabbergasted. On guitar is Jimi Hendrix, on bass, Jaco Pastorius, drums, Buddy Rich, Dizzy Gillespie is blowing on the trumpet, Charlie Parker on sax, and Duke Ellington on piano. The musician says, Wow…this is great! St. Peter says, There’s just one problem…God’s got a girlfriend he thinks can sing.
Q: How can you tell if a roadie is dead? A: The doughnut falls out of his hand.
Q: What does New Age music sound like backwards? A: New Age music.
Alright, in all fairness… Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down? A: Put a chart in front of him.
Entry Filed under: Guitar
18 Comments Add your own
1. matthew | March 4th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I nearly forgot to include this one…
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I’d like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can’t do both."
2. Bram | March 4th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Hahaha wonderful! Loved those!
I’d like to share this one:
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
I play the violin myself by the way
3. Eddie Colon | March 4th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
great, I laughed loud with the one about the sound men : two… two… two…
4. Darling | March 4th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Q: How can you tell when there’s a drummer knocking at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
5. michael Reed | March 4th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
What do you call a guitar player who’s just been dumped by his girlfriend? Homeless.
6. Rahab | March 4th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I guess you left out some classics:
Q: How many lead guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four… One who does it and three who claim they could have done better
Q: How many jazz guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four… One who does it and three asking how the heck he managed to get the damn gig
Or the cheapest one ever:
The other day, two musicians passed by a pub….
Rock On !!
7. Mackenzie | March 4th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Music related joke, but not exactly musician….
Q: How many rude boys (aka ska kids) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4. 1 to drop it and 3 to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up
8. Noone in Particular | March 4th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
It’s O.K. to spill beer on the fiddle.
9. vorian | March 4th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
dude! that banjo one hurts!!
/me cries
10. Psalmist | March 5th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Laughed more than was good for me — thanks for posting these! Here are a few from my days as an instrumentalist:
What’s the difference between a dead snake and a dead conductor in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
. . .
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in unison.
. . .
What do you call a crappy violinist?
A violist.
. . .
What do you do with a drummer who has no sense of rhythm?
Take away one stick and make him a conductor.
. . .
What’s the difference between a conductor and a copper wire?
The wire can at least conduct electricity.
. . .
How do you drive a drummer crazy?
Put a piece of music in front of him.
. . .
What’s bigger than a hornist’s ego?
We may never know…
11. No' | March 5th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Q. How many rock players to change a light bulb?
A. One… Two… One Two Three Four!
12. JA | March 5th, 2008 at 3:53 am
Of course the banjo joke had to come out at the top of the list. What is it about banjos that makes them such a rich target for ridicule? I wrote a whole <a href="http://www.sancairodicopenhagen…. ridiculing banjo players!
13. Mauk | March 5th, 2008 at 8:27 am
What does a jazz player do when he wins one million dollars (or euro’s)?
He plays gigs until he spent it all…
14. Trombone Player | March 6th, 2008 at 3:59 am
How do you turn a trombone into a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
How do you turn a french horn into a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
15. Ondergard | March 7th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
What do you do if, driving home one dark night, you run over a viola player who is crossing the road?
…. stop and throw the gearstick into reverse to make sure you got the bastard!
16. ayenack | March 8th, 2008 at 9:27 am
In defense of all us talented and erudite DRUMMERS and to stick it to you bloody guitar hero’s I’ve got a couple for you.
Q - What’s the best sound you can make with a guitar?
A - A splash.
Q - How many guitar players does it take to wallpaper a room?
A - Three, if you slice them thin enough.
Q - What’s the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.
Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?
A - Evidently all of them.
Q - What is the definition of a minor second?
A - Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A - Put sheet music in front of him.
Q - How do you make him stop?
A - Put notes on it.
Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A - His amplifier.
And finally especially for you Matthew.
Q - What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.
17. matthew | March 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am
ayenack: LOL!
18. ayenack | March 17th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Thought you might appreciate humor
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